take 2: showing my scars

At the start of the new year, I wrote and cried and wrote and cried until I had shared almost every detail of ‘that’ night…the last night that my soon-to-be-ex and I were in the same bed. And it accidentally went live. I received immediate positive feedback and then took it down all within 30 minutes because it was so intimate, to me, that I couldn’t face knowing that everyone would know.

But…

Yesterday my ex thought it would be funny to pour salt into an open wound…he figuratively laughed at the emotional and physical pain that he put me through and did something so childish that it made me completely understand that I was married to someone cruel and with evil intentions. He deserves no respect or even acknowledgement that I once thought he was an amazing man. He’s a bad person with an unpure heart. So unlike the little lady that we created together.

So I’ve decided to take a second shot at exposing my most raw emotions about something that I would never want another woman to ever go through. In my perfect world, I would one day like to speak out about abuse but until then I’ll show my scars so that others may avoid the same pain I went through.

I never want anyone else to feel like I did – ashamed, embarrassed, self-conscious because of the bruises…What someone feels is ok to do to you – harm you physically – is not okay and not your fault. I wish I could have absorbed this earlier than when I finally did. A man that physically attacks a women is not a man – not a normal human being – it’s not ok and they are showing how weak THEY are NOT how weak you are.

So here’s take 2 at this post….

(written in January 2018)

At 37, I’ve realized a few things:

* who my friends really are
* that I need mentors and who they are
* that I screw up…a lot
* that I’m not a perfect mother
* that I’m a great mother and that’s all that matters
* that I can do better than the day before
* and that I am better than who I was before…

So here’s my story…

The night before Father’s Day 2017…I was physically attacked…

by someone that was overly intoxicated…

and I knew the person….

…I was married to him…

…and I still am unfortunately…for just a while longer…until the state of Florida rules on our case…

I’ve started this post so many times but it takes nerves of steel to finish this.

That night…

I left to go grocery shopping. My little men were at their dads house (thank the lord). My little lady had gone down for a late nap and needed to be up about 45 min after I left (I was gone about 2 hours total).

I arrived home, with food, about 2 hours later. My little lady was still in her room…crying out for momma and dada…yet dada hadn’t arrived, even though he had been there the whole time.

At this point, I start to realize how intoxicated my husband and his brother really were. My husband couldn’t even understand why I was upset that my daughter was still in her crib even though I asked him to get her up hours prior.

I get her up, make dinner for everyone, spend time with my daughter, my brother in law goes home, I put my daughter to bed, and then my husband stumbles in and says he’s tired and asks if I would join him in bed as soon as I put our daughter to bed.

…Background…

Two weeks prior I found out that he had cheated on me. My self esteem was low. So very low. So when my husband suggested that I meet him in bed…what do you think that meant to me……

…Back to the story…

Here is the honesty that will likely be taken down shortly after I have the nerve to post it…

I climb into bed…hoping for some love – any kind of love because I felt unloved at the time…and because I’m married and that’s what married people do…except I then fully realize just truly how drunk my husband was…

He wouldn’t wake up so I just lay there…

I start thinking crazy thoughts…what did I do to cause this…why doesn’t he want me in a sexual way…and so many other things…then I thought through his activity that day and night – he was acting so into me until about a day prior and he only recently had been overly involved in his phone, like when I first caught him in his lies about his affair…his phone…

So I grabbed his phone because he was soo intoxicated; his code was easy to crack and then I saw all of it…even the text asking her if she would hide money from me for him.

That’s who I married. Scumbag.

Then the rage in me took over and I had to confront the issue right then.

I woke him up, with his phone in my hand, asked him about the texts, and he lunged at me. I’ve never been lunged at and he had quite the weight on me so he scared me and I ran toward our bathroom. He cornered me while I was hunched over, sitting on the floor, with his phone in my lap, all the while only trying to get his phone from me, and I had it in my lap as I was crunched down trying to avoid whatever was coming my way. His knee went so hard into my lower back that I peed on the floor because of the pressure he put on me.

I fought so hard. So very hard. No one will ever understand. I grabbed his balls and yanked and pulled and yanked some more and it still didn’t stop him. That’s what scared me more than anything in my life. Everything that I had always been taught was to go for the balls…well it didn’t work…he was too numb by the alcohol to stop.

He punched every part of me trying to get to that phone. I was able to get away from him and tried to make it into our ‘toilet room’ but I couldn’t get the door closed before he got there and he had me between the door and the wall and he just kept pressing the door into me and thus into the wall.

All he wanted was that darn phone and it didn’t matter to him how he got it.

And this was all in under a span of probably 10 minutes or less.

My terror…the end of my marriage…the person I knew I had to protect my kids from…

The person that was supposed to be my ‘person’ for the rest of my life just ruined my perception of the perfect guy.

He turned my house upside down…because I had gotten away from him with the phone…

I called his brother to get him to come and pick him up because the other solution was the police…

My husband told me that if I called the police that he would tell them that I had attacked him about the affair and would show them the marks on his arm…

…the marks on his arm were from lifting his brothers truck and putting bigger tires on the truck earlier that day…

…but he didn’t care…he didn’t want to go to jail because he had been there before because of alcohol…

…I was scared out of my mind because I had never been in this position before and my daughter was in the other room…would the police believe him or me?? would they take my daughter?? where would she end up??…

…so I didn’t call the police…stupidest thing I ever didn’t do…

…I let his brother take him out of my house and then the craziest thing happened…

…my soon-to-be-ex-husband called my parents and told them that I needed help…so at ‘too-early o’clock’ my parents show up at my door as I was reeling from just being beaten and left by my husband…

…I talk until I can’t make any more sense…they leave…I lay in bed until my daughter wakes up and then I pack my stuff…two weeks worth…because I had no idea what was happening to my life…

…I showed up to my parents house on fathers day and slept, slept the whole day almost…until I got a phone call from my soon-to-be-ex’s mom apologizing profusely over and over again for her son and his actions…and at the end asking that my relationship with her not end…now that I look back – she only called because she didn’t want to lose the second grandchild that she has because of her sons stupid actions – that she enables. She lost the other relationship for very similar reasons…

…a tiger doesn’t change their stripes…

I even received a text from my soon-to-be-ex’s brother telling me that he feels bad for everything that his brother put me through and then he acknowledged that the kids and I are the victims in the whole thing…

Two weeks later, I seemed to forget the abuse that I suffered at this mans hands….for heaven’s sake – he had me pinned.to.the.ground…why did I need a more clear realization as to who this person was?? But I realize now that I hadn’t been removed from the situation long enough to understand the monster that I am/was married to.

Instead I wanted to try to work through this…what was I thinking?? Why would I put myself through this again? Why would I expose an abusive man to the three people (my children) that I would lay my life down for?

I tried to convince all of us that we should work it out. Thank the lord, my soon-to-be-ex was too selfish and embarrassed to try to work it out. I’m thankful for his stupidity.

Looking back, I can only imagine how my father felt knowing and watching all that was happening to me. I am his first-born…his daughter…his duplicate…yet he never showed his anger in front of me even though I’m sure it was there – he only showed his compassion…because that’s who he is…an amazing man and father. I’m so lucky.

Yet, at the time, I didn’t want to believe that this was the person that I had married, that I had fallen madly in love with. The person that cried during our vows…that promised to love and cherish me forever…this was the same person that left bruises everywhere including on my ass…

I will never forget showering each day in my parents bathroom during that first week…they had this massive bathroom with mirrors everywhere and all I saw was what my husband had done to me. The marks he left. And I cried every day.

I rushed through every shower, every drying-off, just so that I didn’t have to see what my husband had done to me…and then I saw it…the hand print on my ass. I saw multiple fingerprints…I don’t even remember when he left those but all I know is that I was crushed when I realized he had hit every part of me – the front and back.

I was mad, scared, embarrassed, everything. I didn’t want to tell a soul yet I wanted to tell everyone…so I found a balance which was telling my family and six close friends and that’s it. I didn’t trust anyone…I still have struggles with trust and I probably will for a while but the one comfort that I know is that I am in control of who is in my life so while it may take a while, if you gain my trust – you’re probably an amazing friend and will be so for the rest of our lives.

I thought my life was over. My husband was gone. My sons step-dad was gone. My daughters father had basically admitted that he couldn’t be a committed adult for her.

But you know what….

…my life hasn’t been better.

I’m so thankful that my soon-to-be-ex has left. He has chosen someone that thinks it’s fun to cyber stalk me and stalk me around the rink where our kids play hockey, and video tape my children…

Yet with that said – I’ve never been more at peace than I am now. A toxic part of my life is gone and everyone of us can feel it. He recently went on vacation and it was amazing because it was a vacation for me too!-a vacation from hearing from him.

I never realized the toxicity that he was until he left…and life is amazing now and so much better.

I wish him all of the happiness in the world because right now it’s obvious he isn’t in that place and when he’s happy, my life will be easier also. Please pray for me, him, our daughter, and my boys.

BUT WITH ALL OF THAT SAID…

I have an amazing life with amazing people in it. My small circle showed me what love really is in the aftermath that my soon-to-be-ex left. My life is better without my soon-to-be-ex and in fact my relationship with my boys father is better now as well. Coincidence?? I think not.

To summarize my amazing life:

* I don’t need physically and emotionally destructive people in my life.
* I’m overly cautious about any person with a red flag similar to my ex’s…
* I am keeping my ‘circle’ small.
* I have taken huge, positive, steps toward improving the relationships in my life.
* My friends have stepped into my life in huge ways.
* My family has been there in even bigger ways.
* My kids are amazingly funny.
* Their funniness feeds off of each other.
* My boys father really isn’t as bad at I thought…annoying to me, yes…but not harmful.
* My daughter is two and doesn’t know when to speak up about her father’s blood alcohol level – I will always fight to make sure that she’s being taken care of safely.
* My daughter is perfect. My boys are perfect.
* That’s all I need.
* I WILL BE OK.
* I AM BETTER WITHOUT HIM.

Let me say…leaving an abusive relationship is sooooooooo much harder than it seems to those not in the relationship.

Until you have a clean, clear, extensive break – it’s hard to realize and deal with the garbage that the ‘bad guy (person)’ put into the relationship. But once you do…there is a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders and then all you have to do is…

FORGIVE A PERSON THAT ISN’T ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS.

I’m so thankful for who I’ve become, those that have helped me realize and remember who I am, and the strength that I’ve had to find within myself. I hope others can do the same, in their own time.

~Much love to all.

Please note that this post and most of the posts on my website/blog may contain affiliate links. Should you decide to click on one of these ads and purchase something through this link, I will get a commission from it (the pricing is no different for you than going directly to their website)(I do not get commissions from sites where you donate money or things). Not all items recommended on this site are affiliate links. I only recommend items that I feel are amazing because I’ve used and tried them. Thank you for your trust and readership!
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the adventures of my Irish Idiot

This week has been an interesting week. Preparing for category 5, Hurricane Irma without a spouse, has been daunting. Getting the house ready, finding all of my important papers, getting all of the food and water ready, condensing so that everything outside can be pulled in…has been a lot. It’s been overwhelming, stressful and now that I’m almost done, I feel a little more at peace.

Organization is not my Irish Idiot’s forte. The one thing that he ‘claimed’ during our marriage was the garage…and it was REALLY messy. I really wanted to be able to get my car into the garage so that I could have it inside, away from flying debris, so I took a little over two days to clean it up and then had to ask him to move the Jeep ‘project‘ (restoring a Jeep that won’t get finished because it’s too damaged) to the side so I could get my car pulled inside during the hurricane.

While he was at the house, he joked with me and offered an idea for my next blog post, even titling it for me “The Adventures of My Irish Idiot” and he wanted to make sure that I gave him credit for being the creative one…so here’s your credit Erik. Geez… 🙂 #truth #unbelievablebuttrue

When I started my blog, one of my goals was to lay out a “do this” and “don’t do this” for divorce but unfortunately, right as I was going to publish some of these posts, my Irish Idiot decided that he wanted to leave and enjoy single life so that he didn’t have to feel guilty for cheating on me. The last thing I was going to publish was a ‘how to’ for him to make the divorce process easier and more successful for him.

So, for now I’m holding ‘my cards’ close to my chest until afterward and then later I’ll let you in on all of the secrets that will help you get through divorce emotionally and financially without losing your mind.

Until then, I can provide you with a few tidbits of information about divorce to help you. My soon-to-be-ex has already missed the mark on these so it’s safe to let you in on these things.

Work on it.

Let me start this advice by saying, stay married, work on it. Working on your marriage is sooo much easier than divorce. I promise. I hate divorce. With that said, please also know that I don’t regret my first divorce at all. It was necessary for me and the kids to get out. My 2nd divorce, soon-to-be, is the complete opposite for me. I don’t want it. I still don’t want it. But I can’t force my husband to be a grown up. He’ll get it…one day when it’s too late to come back and fix everything that he’s done.

Please don’t see this post as an encouragement for divorce. Only view it as recommendations for those that need to make this decision or have already decided to take these steps. Contact me for the million reasons to stay and work at a marriage if you are wavering about whether or not to leave your spouse.

You’ve made your decision…now plan!

The first and most important thing to do is plan. When I left my sons’ father, I should have planned better. Below are some things that you should consider before announcing that divorce is the next step:

* Prepare your financial outlook.

Make a list of what you are contributing financially for (health insurance, life insurance, utilities, rent/mortgage, etc.) and be prepared that you’ll likely have to continue to pay these same bills even after you move out. My soon-to-be-ex keeps complaining that he hates his job but he has to keep it to keep the insurance for us…poor baby. Should have thought about that before he made immature decisions.

* Know where you are going to live.

My ex’s departure was so abrupt that he lived with his mother for months (which I’m sure she loved)and now he’s living with his brother. I can’t imagine that two grown adults (my ex is almost 40 and his brother is in his mid 40’s) planned to have a roommate at their age.

My ex is finding it very difficult to pay his bills and the bills for me that he has to continue to pay and he keeps getting mad at me, as though I made this choice. Nope – he did and he should have thought about that before he left. Should have saved some money before he left. Oh well, his bed that he made.

* If you are not working, start looking now…find something before you leave.

This will help you feel more confident about living life on your own. Even if you end up getting enough alimony to live off of, you still have to get through the divorce and my first one took 18 months…let that sink in. Do you really want financial stress in addition to the emotional stress of divorce? And, it doesn’t matter, who leaves who. I actually am experiencing MUCH less emotional stress this time and I don’t want this divorce.

* Make things a little more tidy.

Depending on what kinds of ‘things’ you have (investments, toys like boats and etc., storage units, and other things outside the norm like a home, cars, etc) condense where possible. Find out the status of everything and make things simple to financially maneuver through once you decide that you will divorce.
The more ‘things’ that you have to sort through the harder and longer it will take.

Also, the emotional connection won’t be as strong. Both of you will remember good times and bad times for each of these ‘things’ but if they are already sold or condensed, there are less things to have to sort through and memorialize.

This is definitely one area that my soon-to-be-ex didn’t think through before he announced his decision to divorce. Sucks to be him. I am able to at least sit back and watch his antics about ‘stuff’ like fishing poles that I paid for before the marriage and I almost feel bad for him.

Too bad he didn’t ‘detach’ himself sooner. I have to admit that it’s kind of fulfilling to sit back and watch him squirm about these kinds of things because he’s an idiot and didn’t think about it before he had an affair and gave up on being an adult. Then again, he was raised to value gifts and things more than people. Karma…

Trust me, unless you are being abused, you can wait a few months to get these things in order before you leave. It will really pay off in the end emotionally and financially.

Don’t be like my #IrishIdiot and rush into this while making huge mistakes that could cost you big time. Take your time finding an amazing attorney. Lean on family and friends and be smart about each step in the process. The more that you can act like adults through this, the faster it will be to heal.

I have no idea if there will be a second ‘adventures of my Irish Idiot’ but thanks to my soon-to-be-ex for suggesting his own series. I’m sure there will be more that I shake my head at…

Please note that this post and most of the posts on my website/blog may contain affiliate links. Should you decide to click on one of these ads and purchase something through this link, I will get a commission from it (the pricing is no different for you than going directly to their website). Not all items recommended on this site are affiliate links. I only recommend items that I feel are amazing because I’ve used and tried them. Thank you for your trust and viewership!